Zoveel kan Liber betekenen 1
Cornelie: heling na een gespleten bestaan
Haar leven heette geslaagd. Getrouwd, kinderen, contactueel sterk. Ze was verpleegster, had leidinggevende functies en was humanistisch raadsvrouw. ‘Allemaal buitenkant’ zegt ze, ‘afgekeken van anderen. Om te overleven. Van binnen ben ik altijd angstig en onzeker geweest. Op het suïcidale af.
Cornelie is uit 1944. Kind van getraumatiseerde oorlogsouders. Honger. Onderduiken. Bombardementen. Schuilkelders. Kapotgeschoten huizen. Geboren in een samengesteld gezin. Haar vader een weduwnaar. Achtergebleven met twee dochters met tbc.
‘Alsof je opgroeit in een mand met zwerfkatten’ zegt ze. ‘Bedelend om wat kruimeltjes liefde. Je wordt gebeten en weggeduwd. Red jezelf maar. Schuldgevoel, omdat je gezond bent en jouw moeder nog wel leeft. Maar die heeft vooral oog voor het leed van je halfzusjes. Pijn? Niemand had pijn. Tranen? Ongewenst. Alles werd ontkend.
‘Van buiten geslaagd, van binnen rot. Alsof ik een mislukte soufflé was. Zo heb ik me altijd gevoeld. Gespleten. Gek werd ik ervan. Wat als het zou worden ontdekt?
‘Psychiaters, medicijnen, psychologen, groepstherapie, het alternatieve circuit: alles heb ik geprobeerd om er vanaf te komen. Niets hielp.’
‘En toen kwam ik ‘Liber’ tegen. Zomaar. Op het internet. Ik wist direct: dit gaat mij uit mijn tobben en angsten halen. En al vrij snel diende zich een besef van heling aan. Alleen door de oefeningen te doen. Elke dag opnieuw.
‘Ik ontdekte een binnenkant in mezelf, los van mijn omgeving. De behoefte altijd alert te zijn, voelhorens uit, op onraad gespitst, nam af. Dat gaf me rust. Ik begon te ontspannen en werd minder defensief. Ook mijn omgeving merkte direct verschil.
‘Ik begreep hoe ik al die jaren op zoek was geweest naar de verkeerde oplossing. Naar een beter gelukte Cornelie. In plaats daarvan brengt Liber me méér Cornelie. Ik blijk zoveel groter te zijn dan dat onzekere, vechtende meisje.
‘Ik denk humanistisch. Ook daarom sprak Liber me aan. Er komt geen religieus woord bij kijken. Maar vraag me wat anderhalf jaar oefenen me bracht en ik moet spirituele taal gebruiken: het bewustzijn ‘geborgen te zijn in God’. Te mogen leven ‘in zijn hand’. Waarin niemand mislukt is.’
‘Liber samengevat? Eindelijk rust en vrede. Voor geen cursus meer te porren. Omdat ik de antwoorden in mezelf heb gevonden.’
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